


my tears are becoming a sea.

by oftheblue



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Hinata Shouyou is Sunshine, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-24
Updated: 2019-12-24
Packaged: 2021-02-26 23:47:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21927652
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/oftheblue/pseuds/oftheblue
Summary: kenma and kuroo have been friends since as long as kenma can remember. but when kuroo meets new friends in high school, he starts changing and a fight happen between them.since then, kenma doesn't talk to anyone anymore and spends his nights playing video games; it seems nothing can save him now... unless?
Relationships: Hinata Shouyou/Kozume Kenma, Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Kudos: 103
Collections: Secret Santa Haikyuu 2019





	my tears are becoming a sea.

**Author's Note:**

> this is for @kenmacult <3 !
> 
> hi, so this is my first fic in english ever, so first of all, i want to apologize for the mistakes; i'm sorry about it. i know it's far from being perfect because i ran out of time: i'm sorry for that as well. but i really hope you'll like it; and if you don't, well, i'm sorry sjjsjs. 
> 
> the work titles comes from a beautiful song that reminds me so much of this fic: my tears are becoming a sea from M83. i actually wrote a lot while listening to it!
> 
> /!\ i'm talking about depression and panic attacks. please be careful, and for whoever who read this, take care of yourself, you are not alone, alright? you'll be alright, soon or later, you matter and you're important, don't ever forget this. <3

It was a sunny day. The sun was shining brightly this afternoon, passing through the windows. Actually, this wasn't changing a lot from the last few weeks: the summer had been hot, but Kenma didn’t really know about that. He actually spent his entire summer in his room, playing video games. So to be honest, the sun was the least of his problems. It almost looked like a stranger now, and he hated how radiant he was. Kenma wasn't radiant, at all. He was everything but radiant. It was only the second hour of his first day of school, but he already wanted to go home: his second year in high school was really going to be something else; he just knew it.  
It is said that one summer could change everything.  
You can fall in love, you can lose weight, you can dye your hair — you can pretty do everything you want, since you don't go back to high-school before weeks. Last summer, for example, Kenma did dye his hair; and no one ever said something.< All this to say that it explained why no one was saying anything. It was the first time ever he wasn’t sitting next to Kuroo — he hadn't even said a word to him, and they were even sitting at the opposite of the class. They actually had an argument during the summer; and since then, they hadn't spoken to each other. It was weird; it was so weird for him to act if Kuroo was a complete stranger but he wasn’t planning on talking to him first. So that’s why he just wanted to go back home as soon as possible — he was thinking about skipping the afternoon but he had a training at the end of the day so he couldn’t. Especially since it was the first day of the year.  
So he stayed in high school, and waited for time to pass. It was long; it was boring. He hid in a hallway at lunchtime and took the opportunity to play on his phone. He met Nishinoya but they didn't talk much since he was playing. Kuroo always ignored him during the afternoon classes, and finally, it was time to go to practice.

He wasn’t even into volleyball — the truth is he was only doing this because of Kuroo. Last year, when they were in first year, his best-friend convinced him to join the group with him, and that’s what he did. That’s where they actually met Oikawa, Bokuto, Iwaizumi and Akaashi. They were in 2nd year already but Kuroo actually had the same age, since he had repeated his grade in primary school. There was also Nishinoya: he was a first year, just like Kenma, and of course, Kuroo got along with all of them in a second — especially with Bokuto and Oikawa. It wasn’t the case for Kenma, first because he wasn’t very good at making friends, secondly because he didn’t really like them. They were everything he wasn’t — they were way too different on so many levels. Kenma actually wanted to quit at some point, but Kuroo convinced him not to. But now that they weren’t talking anymore, he really wasn’t sure of staying in the team.

There were already some people when he got there. Bokuto and Noya were talking with some first years — a tiny orange-pink hair boy, and a very tall one, with dark hair. Kenma barely looked at them; he didn’t have the time to, because Oikawa was in front of him : he had no clue how he ended up here, but well, there he was. He was probably one of the guy he couldn’t stand the most.

“Yo’, what’s up nerd? You’re still alive?”

He didn’t even bother to respond — there was basically nothing to say.

“Alriiiiight, nevermind, there’s no training today dude. We're only recruiting new members tonight. So unless you want to help....”  
“Okay, then I’m leaving.” he simply said, before turning back and starting to walk all over the gymnasium.

He heard that Oikawa added something but he didn’t care; he just wanted to go home so he could play and he wasn’t feeling like talking today — especially to them. But the thing is, when he was about to go out, Kuroo came in.

“You’re leaving?” asked the older one.

He could have look at up to him to reply but he didn’t ; he just really wanted to go home.

“Yeah. There’s no training today.”

And that was it: he was definitely leaving, and finally going home.

He barely didn’t sleep this night: he fell at sleep at 5AM so of course, he didn’t show up to his first class. He only went to the last one, didn’t write a damn thing and didn’t talk to anyone — then he went straight back home, and played all night, again. The next day, he told his mom he was sick; so he stayed the all day at home. The day right after, he only went to two classes, and on Wednesday, he did a huge effort because this was a training day.  
So that’s where he was, right-now, quiet as ever, in the corner of the room. He had a big headache: it’s been a while since the last time he heard so many noises for such a long time — the luminosity of the room was way too powerful and to be honest, he wasn’t feeling good at all. He wanted to throw up: but he didn’t, he just played alone, smashing once in a while. He could see Kuroo’s eyes were on him: he could see it but he pretended he didn’t, that was way easier for him — he didn’t wanted to talk to his ex best-friend, not at all. He was feeling sad every fucking time he was thinking about him ; and the more he was thinking about it, the more he knew that last-year had was the worst year of his life. He hated high-school, he hated the fact that Kuroo had some new friends, he hated every single things about all of them; he hated what he was studying, he hated volley-ball, he hated everything, himself included.

He wasn’t feeling good at all: this wasn’t a lie, this time. He could feel his heart beat through his chest, he could hear his breathing becoming faster, he could feel everyone was looking at him — he could hear the voice of the orange-hair-first-year-boy ; he could feel and hear everything but at the same time, it was as if he wasn’t on the room.  
And then, he couldn’t breathe — he just couldn’t. He needed some air, he needed to get out, he just needed to leave. He wasn’t aware of what’s was happening to him right now, but he knew was thing for sure: he couldn’t stay here. He couldn’t.

“I have to go.” he brutally said to Iwaizumi, who was next to him.  
“Ugh? You okay tho?”

He didn’t replied — he just took all of his stuffs and almost run away. It was night already; there was no one but his team on high school ; a few minutes later, he was definitely running out of this hell. He only stopped when he knew he was far enough from them : and at this right moment, he almost failed out. He was here, sitting on the floor, his back against the wall. There was no one on the street — no one but him, and it didn’t matter, cause he couldn’t hear anything but his heart beats and his breathing becoming more and more irregular. His right hand was against his heart, as if he was trying to calm himself down, but he wasn’t working. It wasn’t working at all; it was just getting worst and worst.

He was feeling like dying; maybe he was.  
Maybe he was.

He would never be able to tell how many minutes, how many hours he stayed here, alone in this small and dark street ; he was still unable to tell what happened to him. That was the very first time he felt like that: the first time ever. But the thing is, that unfortunately, it wasn’t the last time — it was far from being the last time.

He skipped on Monday, because he wasn’t feeling well.  
He skipped on Tuesday, because he wasn’t feeling well.  
He tried to go to class on Wednesday, but at the middle of his way to school, he couldn’t breathe again, so he went straight back home.  
He tried on Thursday, but that was even worst; he basically had the same experience, sitting on the floor, breathless. So after an hour, he came back home.  
He also tried on Friday, but this time, he was panicking so much he couldn’t even leave his house.

He never tried again.

It had been almost three weeks since the last time he went to high school. He could see in her mom’s eyes that she was kinda freaking out about him — she had no idea of what she could do to help; and Kenma was only telling her that he was fine, just a bit sick. It wasn’t even a lie, to be honest: he was feeling sick, sick as hell, and even when he was in his own room, playing his videogames, he was still feeling empty as fuck. It was weird, it was so fucking weird. He didn’t feel like doing anything; there were some days where he could stay in his bed for hours without doing a single thing. He wasn’t feeling like texting anyone; no that he had anyone to text, anyway. He actually googled his symptoms to see what he could find about that — he wasn’t so sure but they were talking about anxiety and depression. He even did a shitty test: the results were the same, but he didn’t understand how he could be that way, cause he never had any mental health issue before. So today wasn’t a special day. He didn’t even know what day it was — all days looked the same to him, since he was basically doing the same thing. Playing. Sleeping. Eating. Eating while playing. Sleeping. Playing again. Staying in bed for hours.  
So of course, when someone knocked at the door, he didn’t even bother to get up. He just stayed on his coach, hoping the person would go away. But no, they knocked again, and again. They even rand the bell. But it still didn’t change anything to him — he wasn’t planning to open, to anyone, since he knew his mom won’t be here until hours. So he didn’t open, and he basically thought it was it. He even forgot about it, to be honest: he didn’t care at all.  
But the next day, around same time, 5PM, someone knocked again. And again.  
So Kenma assumed that it was something important, maybe important to his mother. And above all, he didn't wanted to be disturbed any longer. Perhaps he secretly hoped that it’d also be Kuroo. But he didn't really believe in it. He was kinda nervous about talking to someone — the only person he was talking to was his mother.

But he did it. He opened the door, and this...  
This was a surprise.

“Kenma!”

A happy, singing voice. Hearing his name almost had the effect of the sun touching his skin. It was weird. He wasn’t expecting this. He wasn’t expecting this, at all. The small orange-hair-first-year-boy from the volleyball team was here. He was smiling to him: so much Kenma thought there was something funny on his face.

“I’m so glad you opened. I came yesterday, but you wasn’t here. And I wanted to come since weeks, but I had literally no idea where you were living, so it was kinda hard.”

He was dreaming, for sure. There was no way this boy could actually be here — he didn’t even know his name! That was insane. He wanted to asked him how he got his address but he was unable to say anything. He was standing here, looking at the first year as if he was an alien.

“I’m Hinata Shoyo, by the way! I know who you are because I was coming to the team games last year. And now I'm part of it. That's cool.”

He was shocked. He was really so fucking shocked. Was all of this a prank? He wasn’t’ so sure about it. Why would someone he didn't know come and visit him? This wasn’t making any sense. What was he supposed to say, anyway? He wasn’t good at making conversation. Actually, he wasn’t really good at anything — but this? This might was the most surprizing thing that ever happened to him.

“…okay?”

Damn, he was such an idiot. Why was this THAT hard for him to have a proper conversation? He wasn’t feeling good. At all. He wanted to throw up. The sun was shining way too much; lit up the face of the first year. Fuck, that was too much — that was enough for today.

“Thanks for coming, I guess.”

And that was it. He gently closed the door and locked it — he couldn’t even explain how anxious he was feeling right now. He could feel his heart beating in his chest, he could feel his breathing accelerating. His fingernails were pressed against the palms of his hands so tightly that he could feel the pain; he could feel everything. He was hating himself so much right now for reacting this way; what kind of idiot was he? After a few minutes, he approached the window looking out on the street, raising the curtain to see if he hadn't been dreaming. But he hadn't. The orange-hair-boy was riding away on his bike. Damn.

During the night following his meeting with Hinata, he didn't slept, like every night, except that instead of playing video games, he stalked the teenager on social networks. The first-year was smiling on all his pics on Instagram; he was complaining a lot about English class on Twitter, but was mostly tweeting about volleyball and seemed to love Dragon ball a lot. And of course, while stalking him, he obviously found Kuroo’s account; even is Kenma wasn’t on this app a lot anymore, his (former?) best-friend was still following him. It was weird. It was weird to see him tweet about things he didn't know about. Kenma used to know everything about him — every single thing. And now, he was like a perfect stranger to him; and that was definitely what was hurting him the most.

They met when they were kids. Kuroo was one year older; had repeated a grade when he was still a child but he actually was his next-door neighbor. They were inseparable, and even as they grew older, nothing changed for years. They spent all their time together, and never got tired of each other. Kuroo had fun saying that they were soulmates; maybe they were. But high school came. Kuroo was tall; Kuroo was handsome; Kuroo was attractive. He was everything his best-friend wasn’t. And of course, he started making friends, mostly on the volleyball team. There were Oikawa and Bokuto: at first, Kenma didn't care about them. But then, he had no other choice — they were everywhere. They were eating together. Training together. They were with Kuroo all the time and so was he, so things were getting complicated. But he was his best-friend, right? He knew this. Kuroo was telling him that he would always be his favorite friend, and for a while, that was enough. For a while, cause when summer came, Kuroo started hanging out with them a lot; and Kenma wasn’t coming, cause he didn’t wanted to. And then, the big fight came.  
It was the first time they had such an argument. Kuroo came to his house, before going to the party, and once again, he refused to go with him. And when Kuroo asked him for an explanation, for the first time, he didn't hide from it. He told him he didn't like his new friends. He told him how much he had changed, and how much he didn't like the person he was becoming. Maybe it was his fault; cause Kuroo seemed really hurt. He told him that he didn't like anything except his video games; that he was getting tired of trying for nothing, that he didn’t like the person he was becoming either. So Kenma said that maybe, they weren’t meant to be friends anymore. And that was the last time they talked.

Maybe he should have text him next, but he didn’t, and neither did he.  
This was already three months ago.

A few days later, the teenager had resumed his lifestyle based on video games, when his phone vibrated: his phone hadn't vibrated for a long time. He had even thought of telling his mother to cancel his subscription, but he knew she would worry too much if he asked her to do so. It was a text from an unknown number.

_“𝘩𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪𝘪, 𝘪𝘵'𝘴 𝘩𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘵𝘢; 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵'𝘴 𝘶𝘱? 𝘯𝘰𝘺𝘢 𝘨𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘮𝘦 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘯𝘶𝘮𝘣𝘦𝘳, 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘣𝘦𝘵𝘵𝘦𝘳? :𝘋”_

What the fuck. He was looking at his phone and it was the only thing he could think about — what the actual fuck. What was wrong with this guy? Why on Earth would he be this nice to a stranger? Was it a prank? Was it some kind of joke, so everyone on the team could make fun of him? He was overthinking; he was trying to analyse every single explanations, but he couldn’t find a real one. He didn’t replied; he didn’t know what to say, anyway.  
But that wasn’t the only thing he didn’t know. He had no idea how Hinata was; literally no idea, cause this was only the beginning. The following day, the first year was in front of his door, again. He was holding some apple pie he bought on his way out, cause he wanted to make sure Kenma received his text — he seemed so relieved when he told him he actually did. And it also seemed like it was the only thing he wanted to know; cause he gave him the apple pie and he left right-away, explaining that he had a training in 20 minutes. That’s right. It was a Wednesday-day. To him, all the days looked at the same now.  
He was wondering if Hinata knew he liked apple pie, or if he just chose it without any particular reason. But that was very nice of him. He ate it during the night, while watching a Star-Wars movie (he was doing a rewatch, since he had nothing better to do.) and then, while Anakin was actually flirting with Padme (he hated this part) he looked at his phone, and finally sent a text to the first year to thank him for the cake. Hinata only replied hours later, when he woke up to go to school; Kenma wasn’t even sleeping yet. It was something such as a “𝑖'𝑚 𝑠𝑜 𝑔𝑙𝑎𝑑 𝑦𝑜𝑢 𝑙𝑖𝑘𝑒 𝑖𝑡!!! 𝑠𝑜𝑟𝑟𝑦, 𝑖 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑠𝑙𝑒𝑒𝑝𝑖𝑛𝑔!! 𝑡𝑟𝑎𝑖𝑛𝑖𝑛𝑔 𝑤𝑎𝑠 𝑒𝑥𝘩𝑎𝑢𝑠𝑡𝑖𝑛𝑔, 𝑤𝑒 𝘩𝑎𝑣𝑒 𝑎𝑛 𝑖𝑚𝑝𝑜𝑟𝑡𝑎𝑛𝑡 𝑚𝑎𝑡𝑐𝘩 𝑖𝑛 𝑡𝑤𝑜 𝑤𝑒𝑒𝑘𝑠!!!!” and once again, Kenma didn’t bother to reply.  
Hinata was texting him. A lot. He was sending him stupid posts, stupid tweets, stupid stuffs. Kenma wasn’t replying (except when he sent him a cute cat he saw on a street, he couldn’t help himself) but he had to admit he was kinda getting used to receiving these daily messages. Almost one week later, Hinata knocked again — it was a rainy day. It was raining so much that Kenma could actually hear the rain over his music. And when he opened the door, Hinata was soaking wet, shivering, but smiling, and protecting another apple pie with her jacket.

“What the-“  
“Hi, Kenma!”

He looked at the orange-hair boy and for a few seconds, he really thought about letting him outside, but he couldn’t — he wasn’t some kind of monster, so of course, he had to let him in. So that’s what he did. He moved a little to the right so he can get through.

“Do you want to take a shower, or something?” he simply asked, while the younger one gave him the cake he bought.  
“If you don’t mind actually… I’m literally freezing.”

His voice was like a song; Kenma took a deep breath and put the pie in the kitchen before waving to the boy to follow him. He went to his room to get out a clean sweater and a jogging, and after giving it to him, he pointed to the bathroom with his index finger.

“Over here.”  
“Thaaaaanks!”

This time, he couldn’t help himself but rolling his eyes, and went straight to his the couch, putting the TV on until Hinata comes back. Which happened 15 minutes later. With his hair still wet, the youngest had put the hood of the sweater on his head. It was a little wide for him; but it was okay. He wasn’t shaking anymore, so.

“Ugh, I feel so much better! Thank you so much.”  
“Yeah, you’re welcome. ”

On god he didn’t know when the last time he talked that much to someone was. He had gotten up to take the pie and put it down in front of him, before sitting back down on the couch. Hinata sat down beside him, before bending over to take a slice; Kenma did the same and they started eating in silence, watching the TV. That was weird. Spending time with someone he didn't know; he wasn't used to doing that kind of thing. He didn't know what to say; or what to do, so he just ate his pie in silence. But thank God, Hinata wasn't like him; he was commenting on the movie they were watching, and after several comments, Kenma slowly began to do the same. Once the film was over, Hinata took a look outside, and saw that it wasn't raining anymore, so he finally said he had to go home, since he had homework to do for tomorrow, and that he would bring back his clothes this weekend.

And when he left, his perfume was still floating in the air.

He didn’t really know how, but the orange-hair-boy became quickly a part of his daily life. There were always the video games; and his dear best-friend the insomnia, but now, there was also Hinata. He sent him messages all the time and stopped by his house whenever he could, always with an apple pie. As the weeks went by, Kenma felt much more comfortable with him and was sometimes even the first to send messages or initiate conversation. One evening, when the first year had stayed longer since they had played a game, he had even come to meet his mother; who seemed to be very happy to see that her son had made a friend — and actually, so was he. It was nice to have someone to talk to; especially when he could talk to Hinata about everything, like the last movie he had seen, the youtuber he was watching, or the last level of his game where he was stuck. This was probably what he liked the most about him; Hianta always listened to him attentively even if he didn't know anything about what he was saying. That was pretty cool.

December came quickly; it had been three months since the last time the boy went to school, and to be completely honest, he wasn’t feeling this bad about it — he hated school, anyway, that wasn’t new. But Kuroo's birthday also passed, and he hadn't wished him, just as he hadn't wished him his, in October. Of course, it was weird / but he was kinda getting used to live without him. And as far as he could see, Kuroo was doing very well too, appearing on Instagram with Oikawa, Bokuto & cie all the time. But that was life, right? That was life.

On December 3, Hinata came to see him again as always, except that this time he wasn't holding a pie in his hands, but something else. A kind of cage. Kenma opened his mouth and asked him what it was, but he didn’t had the time to.

"MERRY CHRISTMAS." the younger yelled, while by lifting what he was holding in his hands.

Kenma was about to say that it wasn’t Christmas yet, when he saw what was in the cage — it was a kitten. A smoll red and cute kitten, with some white near to his nose. The animal meowed, and once again Kenma couldn't breathe; but it was different from the other times. He just wasn't expecting it — he always wanted a cat. Did he ever tell his friend? He couldn't remember; it wasn’t important, cause for the first time in a very long time, a big smile appeared on his face. A real smile, one that wasn't forced at all; he was happy. Truly happy.

“It's because exams are coming, and I have to work a loot and there are also trainings and… I didn't want you to be alone.”

Still shocked, his eyes slowly rose towards him, and the orange-hair-boy was smiling so much he was actually shining like a ray of sunshine; he was so brilliant that Kenma was almost dazzled, and it wasn’t the first time it happened. What kind of person was-he? Was he some angel fallen from the sky? Was he a guardian or something?

“Thank you so much.” he breathed — and Hinata was still shining in front of him.

He named his cat Kurama; as stupid as it may sound, now he actually had something to do with his life; take care of his cat. He was taking care of him every day, and the kitten was searching for affection all the time — so Hinata was right, Kenma was never alone. Hinata sometimes came to sleep at his house, and after several attempts, he managed to get him out.

Time flied.  
Weeks; months.  
Hanging out ten minutes in the park below his house. A walk around the neighbourhood. Buy an apple pie at the bakery. This kind of things. They never went out for long, time after time, he actually got used to going out and talking to people again. And that's was a thing he knew he couldn't have done without him. He was still unable to go to high school — but Hinata actually found him a job, and that was also something. It was a job as a salesman in a video game shop; only ten hours a week, not too much, but enough to allow him to get out a bit more. That's where he met Yamaguchi. A boy his age he didn't know cause he wasn't living in town. And without really knowing how, they became friends. He was nice, he wasn't talking such as Hinata was but it was actually cool cause silence wasn't awkward between them.  
It was a new life, actually.  
His new life.

We were in February. It was a Sunday-day; Kenma was working. He was actually supposed to meet Hinata right after, so they could go to his house together. Yamaguchi was already gone; the store was closing in about 30 minutes, and Kenma was sitting behind his cash register, looking at his phone, when he heard a customer. He looked at them and immediately froze when he saw who it was. Big boy, dark hair. Iwaizumi. A member of the volleyball team; Oikawa's boyfriend, actually. He had no idea if he was supposed to say anything — he was feeling so anxious right now he could feel his breathing becoming faster, he could feel his heart in his chest, he could feel everything; and it was just Iwaizumi. So he tried to calm himself as much as he could, and when the older boy came to pay his game, he tried to act as everything was normal to him. He could see in Iwaizumi’s eyes that he was surprised to see him as well.

“Kenma, damn! I didn’t know you were working here. It’s been months, what’s up? Are you okay?”  
“Yeah, well. I’ve been working here since almost two weeks, actually.”  
“Well, that’s cool, man? I’m glad for you, we were worried about you.”  
“Of course, you were.”

Kenma wasn’t particularly cold; he was just speaking calmly, and it seemed like the other boy was getting uncomfortable, cause he didn’t even reply. He just paid in silence, and thanked the salesman when he handed him his bag. It seemed like he wanted to say something; but he didn't. He waved his hand to him as he left, and that was it. In the end, Iwaizumi seemed more disturbed by the meeting than he was. It was kinda satisfying.

A week later, Hinata and Kenma were on their way home, since they had went to the movies earlier in the afternoon. It was the first time he was going to the theatre since ages; and he was actually a little proud of himself. Hinata was walking very close to him; cause it was making him feel less anxious / nervous about everything — he was unable to explain why, actually. So they were on their way home when someone called Hinata on the other side of the sidewalk. Kenma actually knew him only because his friend told him about him; his name was Kageyama, he was a first year too, and now that he was looking at him, he could actually remember seeing him on the first day of school, in September. But he didn't have time to take care of Kageyama for too long, because he wasn't alone. There was the whole team. Every-single-one-of-them.  
Oikawa. Bokuto. Iwaizumi. Akaashi. Nishinoya.  
And of course, Kuroo.

They all crossed the road to be next to them; Hinata was talking with Kageyama, but Kenma couldn't hear their conversation. The only thing he could think of was that Kuroo was staring at him; he theirs eyes met a few seconds later, and he knew that his former best-friend was still looking at him right now: and so was everyone, except Kageyama.

“Ouuuuuh, is-this a ghost over here?”

This was Bokuto’s voice.

“I can’t belieeeeeve it, you were right, Iwa-chaaaan, he’s alive!”

Oikawa.

“Kenmaa please, we missed you soo much.”  
“We really did.”

The both of them.  
He wanted to reply — he wanted so hard but he couldn’t. He really couldn’t say anything. He couldn’t even look at them, actually. His nails were stuck in his palms, and he was just staring at Hinata, who was still talking with Kageyama. He couldn't hear what they were saying to each other; his friend's lips were moving but he couldn't hear anything.

“Shoyo.”

It was the first time he called him this way — this was showing how desperate he was, but it worked. Cause Hinata immediately stopped talking and turned to look at him. A few seconds later, he grabbed his arm and led him home, saying a "see you guys" to his team; and finally, they were alone.

“It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay.” he was gently repeating to him.

And in the end, it worked too. Cause even if Kenma wasn’t still feeling good once they were home, he was calm enough not to have a panic attack. And that was thanks to him — Hinata. He wanted to stay with him to make sure everything was okay, but Kenma reassured him, and after two hours, he finally went home, leaving Kenma alone. But a few minutes later, someone knocked on his door. Thinking it was Hinata, Kenma got up to open the door, and almost fainted when he saw who was standing just in front of him.

“Hey.” Kuroo breathed.

Silence. This was way too much for one day — Kenma was looking at him; and he could actually smell his perfume. That was weird. That was so weird; especially when he saw that his former best-friend was holding an apple pie. What kind of parallel what this? He swallowed. Kuroo wasn’t comfortable either; he could see it as well.

“I waited for Hinata to leave to come.”  
(…)  
“I brought you this.”  
(…)  
‘'… can I come in?”

Like a robot, he moved to let him in, closing the door behind him. He was still unable to say anything, and it seemed like Kuroo didn’t know what to say either — and that’s when Kurama showed up, meowing while rubbing against Kuroo's legs.

“Since when do you have a cat?”  
“December. Hinata brought him one day.”  
“Oh. That's cool.”

They were both leaning against a wall in the hallway, facing each other, looking at each other. Kuroo had always been bigger, but now he was even bigger. It was so fucking weird — he wasn’t even feeling sad about him anymore. He had realized this was how life was; that it was okay for relationship to end. But even if he did, he couldn’t help himself but feeling particularly weird right now.

“Can we talk?” Kuroo asked.  
“Go ahead.” he simply replied.

Kuroo hesitated, took a breath and ran his left hand through his own hair, since the right hand was still holding the pie. It was so weird, seeing him this way: he couldn’t remember the last time he saw him as much perturbed as he was right now. But then, he looked at Kenma again, and he finally started.

“Listen, I’m sorry, alright? I’m sorry. I know I fucked up. I know I let you down. I know that, alright? (…) I didn’t realize at first but I do now and I feel so bad about this I… I wanted to text you when you dropped school, I really wanted to but- I don’t know (…) I don’t know? (…) I guess I freaked up cause I thought you didn’t wanted to see me and that I was the last person you’d want to talk to you and… And… And that’s not- this is not me trying to convince myself that it’s not my fault cause I know it is, I swear, I know I really know and I’m blaming myself every single day since but- I’m sorry. I’m just sorry. I know you probably hate me right now as you should and trust me I hate myself too but I just- I just wanted you to know that, alright? There’s nothing to reply. I just wanted you to know that I was sorry. For everything.”

During his speech, his voice broke and tears came up in his eyes — Kenma was trying to remember the last time he saw him crying, but he couldn’t. And he knew, he knew he had to say something; anything. That it was the only time ever. He knew he had to; cause otherwise, it’d be over for real.

“I don’t hate you.” he finally said.

Kuroo frowned when he said that; as if he was persuaded that Kenma was hating him — how could he even hate him?

“You don’t?”  
“No. I thought I did at first. I really did. But I don’t. I don’t think I could ever hate you, actually…I’m sorry too, Kuro’.”  
“Don’t-“  
“No, I’m sorry too.”

And he was tearing up, as well.  
A second later, they were hugging each-other, and Kuroo was hugging him so hard it felt like he was suffocating.  
But it wasn’t just a feeling.  
He really was, crying himself so hard he couldn’t even breathe: he was suffocating against Kuroo’s chest. And he could feel that Kuroo was crying as well; he could feel his tears in his neck. What the hell was they crying for — he couldn’t even tell. It was an awful feeling, as if he was letting go everything he had contained for the past months; for almost a year.

it hurt, but it felt good.  
it felt good, but it hurt.

They stayed a long time in each other’s arm; until they ended up on the couch, watching a movie while eating the apple pie. The conversation was a little awkward; that was the beginning — it was only a question of time before everything go back to the way it was before. They both knew it.  
Once the movie was over, Kuroo was about to leave; Kenma was still sitting on his couch, looking at him going away, being completely unable to say something. But Kuroo turned around, looked at him for a long time, and s< finally spoke.

“So, Hinata, ugh?”  
“What?”  
“What?”  
“What do you mean, Hinata, ugh?”  
“Well I don’t know — isn’t he your boyfriend or something?”  
“What? No! No he’s not- he’s my friend. We’re friends.”  
“Oh.”  
“Yeah.” he whispered.

Kuroo nodded, took a deep breath and finally walked away, leaving Kenma alone — for real, this time.  
Hours later, the boy was in his room, laying on his bed, looking at the moon through his window. It was around midnight, or something like that. The planet was the only thing who was putting lights in his room; enough for him to see the picture hanging on his wall. It was Hinata and him, picture taken a few weeks earlier; the orange-hair-boy was smiling so hard, he was shining, as he always was. He looked at him for a while, thinking how thankful he was for everything he did for him and how he wouldn’t be here for sure without him.  
He bent down to open his desk drawer, grabbing a photo that had been unhooked months ago. It was Kuroo and him, when they went away for the weekend to Tokyo alone together, last year. He looked at the pic for a while, remembering how Kuroo wanted to absolutely take a picture but Kenma didn’t, so Kuroo forced him and they both ended up laughing on the picture.  
He hesitated for a while, and finally decided to hang it next to the one with Hinata.

Lying on his bed, facing his wall, he looked at the two pics; he looked at Hinata and Kuroo, and for the first time in months, he fell asleep without difficulty.

because is hinata was for sure his sun;  
kuroo was definitely his moon.


End file.
